The Soulless

I  blinked slowly and opened my eyes, only to close them again the second after. The sharp white lights from the ceiling shone mercilessly above me and I felt scared without knowing the reason. Something about my dream didn’t feel right – dark silhouettes and the sound of dripping water on cave walls… so weird. And this hospital… I had no idea where I was or how I got there, but I didn’t like the smell that lingered in the air  - anticeptic, stale air and cheap air refreshener. I could hear steps somewhere close, hushed conversations, slow breaths, heartbeats, but had no clear perception of time and space. The sounds were so tempting that I opened my eyes again. I wanted to see the humans… humans? In my mind the word sounded as if it was related to a completely different species. As far as I could guess, I had hit my head pretty hard if I were thinking such things. And to top it all, my mumbled brain decided it was a good idea to name all the humans I knew, just in case. I searched through my memories for names, faces… Nothing. Neither humans, nor animals, nor whatever else I was thinking about. I couldn’t come up with anybody I knew. What? My heart started beating heavy in my chest, I could barely take a breath. And even though I was not chained to the bed, because -why would I, what was wrong with me - I just couldn’t move, paralyzed by the blank space in my mind. It was impossible not to know anybody. The people you know, the shared time with them is what shapes a person. Even the loneliest of souls had to interact with others at different points in their lives. So, how come I couldn’t identify even the slightest memory? I was desperately looking around the hospital room for answers. Surely, the small sterile space that surrounded me had none – grey dull walls stared back, monitors beeped lazily, agonizingly; slow hum from a vent I couldn’t see; an empty dust-free table next to my bed. Just like any hospital room anywhere in the world. Blinking against the artificial light, I closed my eyes again in an attempt to focus, still searching my empty brain. My mom, my dad, it came to me - I wouldn’t have forgotten them of all people. Of course, I would remember how my mother looked like, or her name, or the way I felt in her presence, it was supposed to be the basest instinct of all, the connection to one’s mother. A wall. It was like a dark curtain fell in front of me and I couldn’t figure out if I even had a mother to begin with. No matter in which part of my mind I dug, I wasn’t finding any memories. Suffocating panic overwhelmed me and I didn’t even realize I was blinking like a crazy person or that the nurse that was just entering my room, darted out, screaming at somebody words I couldn’t comprehend. I couldn’t care less how she saw me. I didn’t remember a thing. I didn’t even know what was my name. I must be crazy, I thought as there could not possibly be any other answer for what was going on. No normal person would forget their entire life. I didn’t remember my name! How messed up is that? I didn’t realize there were other people in my room until the doctor’s flashlight blinded me with its sharp light, his cold dry hands fixing my face in place and forcing me not to move. “No!” I screamed and pushed the doctor away with such force that he hit the opposite wall. I curved myself into a ball on the hospital bed, hugging my knees and refusing to look at the strangers around me.  The doctor, who had somehow come back to his senses, approached me again with unsure steps while fixing the lapels of his white coat. “Miss,” he started nervously as if he had no idea how to deal with raging patients, “Do you know where you are?” “No,” I grumbled. “I don’t know anything. “What is your name?” “I don’t know.” “You don’t?” The doctor raised his brows with surprise, then he looked back at the tablet in his hands.”Do you not remember?” “No…” I repeated, suddenly both scared and irritated at the questions. “So, you don’t know why you are here?” “No.” I didn’t dare to look at him. As if I did it, he would somehow disappear, and with him would be gone what was left of my sanity.  The doctor just clicked with his tongue, coughed uncomfortably and dragged a chair next to my bed. Only after he sat down, did he release his breath and spoke. “You shouldn’t be worried too much.” Yet, his voice made me indeed worried. “It is completely normal for someone who has gone through such shocking events to have trouble recalling everything. It is a protective reaction of the brain.” “Does it mean I will be able to remember?” I asked hopefully, although I didn’t feel any hope right now. “Well… only time will show.” “What the hell happened to me?” I sighed, feeling tired out of a sudden. The doctor shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He was a small man with weasel eyes and big round glasses that constantly slipped on his nose. It was becoming obvious that when he felt uncomfortable, he used to reach and fix them for them only to slip a second later. And he did that a lot in the short time since I woke up. “Just, please don’t react too strongly… you were attacked by wild animals in the wilderness outside our town. Yesterday morning some local folks found you unconscious near the road and because of your injuries the local medics transferred you here.” I didn’t say much in response. This information didn’t help me in the slightest, but what should be more disturbing to me was that I didn’t, not in the slightest, feel like it was worrisome that I was found alone in the wilderness – left by the road to die. Instead, I focused on the least logical question of all - if some animals attacked me, didn’t they aim at eating me? Then why was I almost intact, like I had all my limbs and fingers and important body parts on me, didn’t I? Of course, I felt the stitches on my forehead, and the bandages on my wrist, but there was no pain, not even a faint throb from these wounds, which one could expect if their skin had been torn open yesterday by wolves or whatnot.                  “For a young girl like you, I believe it is completely possible to get shocked by everything that happened. Right now the most important thing is to find your family. For sure they will be very helpful in your situation.” The doctor continued with a dry voice.                  I allowed myself to raise my head a little and levelled our gazes, my voice sounding gravel and irritated. “I do not feel pain or shock. But I also do not have any idea how to find them. I don’t know who they are.”                 Perhaps I had to be more polite with the guy. After all, it wasn’t his fault what happened to me, and he was the only person in the world who I knew. But I was too confused and scared to think straight and focus on my priorities.                  The doctor coughed again uncomfortably and jumped to his feet. It seemed as he hadn’t had many cases like mine and he had no idea what to do with me, especially after my wild outburst a minute ago. I could guess how I looked in his eyes - a dumb damsel in distress, who didn’t have any common sense and went in the wilderness to be attacked. A fragile thing that fainted at the sight of blood. The idea of it made me angry. I hated the fact I was powerless at this moment.                 “If you would like, we will bring your belongings, you could find something familiar?” The doctor raised his hand to somebody behind the inner window of my hospital room. “At least, we managed to get your name from your driver's license. Miss Concitta LaFey.”                 I blinked trying to understand what he was saying. A name… my name? It didn’t feel like it belonged to me. There was no way my name was Concitta LaFey. It sounded so much like… a dumb b***h who was quite likely to need saving.                 Still, there was no mistake. I had to look myself in the mirror first, but the girl from the picture on the driver's license was me - the same long brown hair, the same light, yellowish eyes and this too pale skin, which made me look like a ghost under the artificial hospital light. I looked like a f*****g china doll that could break at the next heavier wind blow. A weird thought floated in my mind - did I look like my mom?                  When the doctor tossed me the backpack, I felt shivers running down my spine. I quickly unzipped it with trembling fingers, only to find a wallet, packed with money, a crumbled letter, a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and a baseball hat. At the bottom lay a small book with leather covers.                 The doctor leaned forward and the smell of old house and cheap cigarettes overflew me. It took everything I had not to tremble with disgust when he asked me, “Anything?”                 I shook my head.                 “Maybe the letter?”                 “Did you read it?”                 “No, of course not. It is a private matter. Only the wallet… there was no other way, you know?” He bowed his head while he spoke, as if embarrassed. “We had to pay for your stay in the hospital, and on your name, there is no insurance or anything. We took only what we needed, the rest is still inside.”                 “I don’t care about the money,” I murmured, my eyes completely focused on the letter. “Can I please stay alone?”                 Extremely relieved, the doctor left my room, but I couldn’t care less, opening the unmarked envelope.                      “Dear Theresa, Life without you is unbearable. My brother suffers every day he is forced to spend without you. All he does is roam the house hopeless and lost. He even started drinking, completely neglecting his duties towards our family and the pack.  Adan misses you, Theresa. It is obvious how sorry he is for everything that happened. I have never seen him like this - it is like he died the moment you left us. Can’t you forgive him and come back? I completely realize that some things are unforgivable, but some bonds can never be broken. I know Adan hurt you deeply by not telling you all the truth about our nature and the way he acted afterwards is unacceptable, but please understand, it is not easy to share such truths. No one can escape their destiny and I am sure there isn’t another who understands it better than both of you. Please, forget what happened at Santa Lucia de Canta. Don’t be surprised dear, I know it was the moment you started doubting our cause. Don’t let the past mistakes tear you away from your family, for it is a terrible, horrible thing to spend your life alone, especially when your life is as long as eternity. Please, promise to think about it. I love you, Alex.”                 I left the letter on my bed and stared at the perfectly written words. These people, those events that were mentioned, didn’t mean anything to me. They didn’t matter. Maybe this letter wasn’t even mine and I had to find something that concerned me.                  I took the backpack and looked inside again, although I already knew what was in there. I just hoped that something inside would give me clues. And then I saw it.                  At the bottom, hidden inside an inner pocket, lay a small crumbled picture. A boy and a girl stared at me, people who were also unfamiliar. It took me a whole minute before I realized the girl, who smiled with a genuine smile that made her pale eyes look golden, was me. I looked happy, relaxed, filled with light, not only for the sunlight that fell on me from the near window but like I glowed from the inside, my whole body turned instinctively towards the guy who caressed my cheek with a strong masculine palm. We were at some place that looked a lot like a roadside diner, and it was an early morning, judging by the harsh sunlight that came at us, creating striped shadows from the half-open shutters. A vague memory of warmth and the smell of coffee and artificial vanilla aroma hit me. As if I were supposed to remember this moment, and I almost did, but the second I tried to catch it, it flew away never to return. I took a second look at him. His face was blurred as if someone had tossed ashes all over the image and it was now dotted with dark spots. I could recognize only his smile. It was an open, boyish smile, honest even - full lips, stretched with the joy of the moment, unveiling white perfect teeth. He was leaning towards me, touching me, sharing an intimate moment which someone by accident had trapped in a picture. I had no idea why, but a warm welcoming feeling flew over me. It was like even if everything else felt lost, this picture, this fragment of memory was all the only stable thing in my entire existence. I quickly turned the picture over. At the back, with even prettier writing than the one in the letter, was written “Adan and Theresa, April, 25th”. The year was missing, but it was enough to make me start trembling. According to this, I was this Theresa girl, who left Adan. Then who was Concitta? What on earth had I gotten myself into?